What's on Your Mind?

(Excellent lesson on how to make toast. Top teacher.)

Today I discussed with some Abitur students what, and what is not, appropriate to reply with to the question; "How are you?"

It seems the common German stereotype is correct; when faced with the challenge of answering that question, they will undoubtedly tell the truth.

"Oh yes, Miss Ford, I am very tired today because my parents kept me awake all night with their loud and violent argument about who took out the gelbe Sacke recycling bag last week."

It does not just sound rather obtuse to my delicate English ears, but also completely uninteresting and awkward. I simply do not want to know the personal intricacies of a relative stranger's familial existence. Nor do I particularly care, on closer inspection, how he really is; I just want to carry on my selfish little day uninterrupted and only asked about his state of affairs that day in order to maintain an illusion of politeness.

After presenting my case to the students, they all protested that British people must all be liars if they answer the obligatory, "yeah, I'm fine thanks, you?", when they are actually thinking, "I have never felt worse, now piss off". I kindly explained that it was not lying, as such, more masking the truth with a more palatable and less socially awkward answer.

My explanation was a waste of breath. To no avail I was left flapping around in front of the blackboard trying to defend my culture’s anally polite ways.

Fast forward 24 hours, a little research and a wrestling match with the photocopier, I arrived back in the classroom armed with enough sheets to wallpaper the whole school, and plonked them on the desk with a satisfactory smug thump that only teachers and their wannabes can perfect.

Humbly, I admitted defeat (which to anyone who is personally acquainted with me knows, is nothing short of a miracle) and stated that they were right; British people, on-the-whole, are concealers of the truth, and that their pants should be continually smoking by the amount of fire they generate even by saying the daily hello etc. in the office each morning.

What I also pointed out, however, is that we Brits have a whole subculture of truth telling which has become an art form in itself. It may be socially unacceptable to pour over the details of your heart's desire with a real human person, but an anonymous note to an artistic keeper of secrets will do just fine.

So in the name of art and British etiquette, I got my students to participate in the following project aptly named What's on Your Mind? (http://whatsonyourmindblog.tumblr.com/). You send in a totally anonymous email with the hope that you will relieve yourself of an otherwise catastrophic social faux pas. Of course, they all thought I was balmy, but took part happily, and included delightful notes such as 'Lena is hot' and 'I need a piss'.

An interesting social experiment, I think. Not everyone cares or worries about the same thing, and it might make others feel a little less crazy when they read the deep dark depths of their teacher's mind...

I wonder if dogs in different countries bark in different languages...