Stroppy.

To put it simply, this week has been a bad week and I am now sitting in my room alone, eating 'health surprise'*, drinking wine out of the bottle and swearing aimlessly at inanimate objects.

Classy, and oh-so productive.

Pondering my rather vile mood, I thought I would take this chance to politely raise the following issues I have with the general public, and in the case that people have the same problems, urge them to forward the message of discontentment to those concerned.

(*Health surprise, for those unlucky enough to not know, is a fine concoction made of butter and sugar. It has been medically proven to promote a better mood, and stop crying in times of desperation. Also increases essay and dissertation productivity rates by at least 5%.)




Please stop pointing out the bleedin' obvious.

Namely:

"What's wrong with you today? You're well moody."

Apart from being an utterly stupid thing to say, it does nothing but make said moody person even more moody (and hate you).

Plz stp rytin lyk dis

wt u chatin brv? dere shud b no imigrints in dis cuntry cuz were british nd we wn2 stay british nd al de imigrints r durti nd smell ov curry init.

Your point is invalid, you moron.

Please refrain from Facebook photo dick comparison.

(Might I just point out, not actual dick comparison.)
I mean the endless photo comments which involve statements such as:

"Ohmigawd Jessica, can you just go and get ugly please?!?!"
"Don't even know why I uploaded this photo, I'm soooo ugly."
"Ew ew ew, I look horrible, you look so hot! ohmigod I'm ugly. Ug.Er.Lee."

And other mindless drivel.

Please stop harlem shaking.

I am out of the loop; watching the videos makes me feel old, because I simply don't get it.


Please stop making me jealous of your life.

Okay, I get it. You are wonderful. You don't sit alone drinking wine out of the bottle. You are in the gym. You can already speak 4 languages, including Mandarin. You donated all your money to charity 'cos you haven't racked up a huge credit card bill or horrendous overdraft you can't pay back. You don't cry when you stub your toe or swear when you get mascara in your eye, because you always look where you're going and don't need to wear makeup. Your YouTube videos are witty and charming, and when you sing along to your guitar, my heart really does melt. You are naturally that tanned, that blonde, that laid back, and when people say 'she's the nicest person I've ever met', they really do mean it.

I'm cool with that.

Please stop hashtagging things on Facebook.

It's endlessly annoying, and it shouldn't be. The fact I am annoyed at such a triviality is in itself annoying. I am so annoyed that I just wrote that. Why am I annoyed?! AH!

See, the complexities of my brain cannot handle any confusion between Facebook and Twitter usage.


By writing this down, I feel as though I've done my bit for society today. I am ridiculous. Ignore me.