McCoy's.

Sam pointed out to me the other day that his Marmite on toast tasted 100% better when I made it for him. After scoffing at him for a few minutes, and giving him the 'you are a ridiculous human' look, I had to admit that he had a point; my Bovril did taste better when spread by his fair hand. Well, to be honest, his hands have nothing to do with it; Bovril tastes better when you don't have to prepare it yourself.

Here are some other food items which also double their taste value when taken from someone else:

- Crisps.

Picture the scene: You are in a civilised English public house with your family and the kind so-and-so who is buying the next round asks if anyone wants a packet of crisps to accompany their pint. Unanimously, you all shake your heads and say, 'Oh no thank you, I'm fine', and you mean it. This isn't a sneaky English lie whereby you say you're fine but actually mean , 'Oh good Lord yes please! I haven't eaten in five hours', or other such sneaky English polite fibs. You really don't want any crisps, but as soon as one person opens their solitary packet of Flame Grilled Steak McCoy's, everyone's mouth is watering enough to make the Sahara fertile.

Once offered a crisp, you can't refuse; you know it is single-handedly going to be the best thing you have ever eaten. And it is. The rich flavours of steak and crisps and preservatives flood your mouth, perfectly complementing your fine local ale. One crisp bliss; if you had your own packet, it wouldn't taste the same.

- Peanuts.

Same principle as crisps, only nuts.

- Party food.

I'm sorry friends, I have to admit that one of the most exciting prospects of going to a party is the array of snacks that will be on offer. Why are sausage rolls put on a plate by someone else SO much more delicious?! The same goes for the carrot sticks, potted Tesco hummus, Ritz biscuits, cheese&pinapple sticks... I know they are exactly the same as the things in my fridge, but they are tantalising and intriguing. I have to sample everything on offer, just in case I never get the chance to eat such a varied array of food types again.

There are actually too many things to mention without sounding like a food obsessed thief. Please send in your favourite food-steals and why the taste so bloomin' good! All thoughts will be added to this ever growing list. I can't be the only one this obsessed with stealing food, surely?!

Trendy, Part 2.

Hey Y'all fashion loverrrrs!

So sorry sweeties for not publishing this earlier, have been dashing around like a moron trying things out so you don't have to! I know you've all probably been dying to get your next installment on how to become the next trendsetter, but let me reassure you darlings, patience really is a virtue in this instance.

Joanna Ford: Trendsetter Part 2. 'Go on a diet'.

Now, I know what some of you are probably thinking - 'oh my goodness, she's mental' - but this diet really does work! No more nasty low-carb options, and it leaves you feeling full and content - what more could you want? I've called it The German Diet, and have compiled a typical day's menu for you to sample, because caring is sharing, fashion friends!

1st meal: Pre-breakfast snack.


Milka. Preferably the variety that is on offer in Rewe for 55 cent (it makes it all the more delicious). I advise leaving the chocolate on your bedside table, so that you don't forget to take your morning supplement before you get out of bed. Think of this ordeal as you would suncream; Milka chocolate will protect you the from world's ills. A chore, yes - but one you will be thanking yourself for by the moody mid-afternoon slump! Mood enhancing factor 30! What's not to love?

2nd meal: Breakfast.


This should include at least four types of sausage or cured meat, cheese that tastes like a foot, three varieties of bread, unsalted butter, honey and enough coffee to kill a small animal. And there you have it; ready and prepared to take on the world before the sun has even decided to rise.

3rd meal: Mid-Morning snack.


Butter Bretzel. You should purchase your butter bretzel (pretzel with butter for all you 'deutsch-phobics' out there!), in a local bakery where they are fresh out the oven and neatly stacked in orderly lines to maximise selling efficiency. At a tidy little 1 Euro - it's a snip! Not only do you receive the chewy, salty, doughy pleasure of the pretzel itself, but you are also presented with a 5mm thick layer of butter too! WHAT AN ABSOLUTE BARGAIN! Ideally enjoyed in the not-so-grosse-Pause at school, at 9am. Remember fashion friends, this is Germany! Mid-morning = 9am, not 11am; you've been up since 5am!

4th Meal: Midday Meal.

For this meal, I am offering you a variety of options - the world is your oyster. So long as it predominantly involves carbs, you are in for a winner. Here are a couple of suggestions:


- Maultaschen. Somewhat similar to Ravioli, you could be forgiven for thinking you were eating an Italian delight, that is if you ignore the fact your ravioli pieces have quadrupled in size, and are swimming around in a hearty broth! Surprisingly delicious, and perfectly filling, this is one diet option not to miss out on.


- Any Würstchen you can get your hands on, cradled by a crusty roll and enveloped in oodles of mustard. Does what is says on the tin; Nigella needs to watch out, 'cos this really is a sexy little diet option.


- Wiener Schnitzel. As do all the best things in life, Schnitzels come in a variety of sizes, and it's not always 'the bigger the better'! I, for one, have eaten a terrible schnitzel which was utterly HUGE, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It just stuffed me, and left no room for some after-dinner 'Willi'.

Post 4th Meal Schnapsle: Willi.


No Midday meal is complete without your best friend 'Willi'. Aiding digestion, and getting you so bladdered you don't care what happens in the afternoon, I can wholeheartedly say that this is the secret to this diet's success. Teamed with its super cute little glass, it's any fashionista's dream!

5th Meal: Afternoon Coffee and Cake.


Any cake you choose, as long as it's 90% whipped cream. They can be found in the ever-so-quaint Konditoreis dotted around the German landscape. SO quaint.

6th Meal: Abendbrot.

See: Breakfast. You must eat exactly the same thing you ate for breakfast for maximum dieting efficiency.



And Ta-dah! Sweethearts, I can 10000% say that I'm loving this diet, and you will too!

Trendy, Part 1.

It is becoming increasingly apparant that I am actually a fashion guru. The world might not be ready for my radical styles yet, but one day they'll see the light and the masses will be flocking to 'Joanna Ford' shops all over the world, and religiously going to lifestyle seminars run by yours truly.

I realised my hidden talents this morning, whilst compiling another outfit ENTIRELY composed of items from H&M. I am not kidding, this is the 4th day in a row I have done this. And when I say everything, I actually mean everything, which is in itself, quite an achievement.

Joanna Ford: Trendsetter, Part 1. 'Get Your Look'.

In order that you may achieve my 'look', I have thrown together my 'must-have-it-list' for the upcoming Spring months. As we all know, it is essential to copy someone else's 'look' for the new season, and as imitation is the greatest form of flattery, I will let you all try out my sensational style at home.

Let's start with the socks, the absolute basis of any stunning outfit. My particular socks are from H&M, from the sock and bra section of the establishment. They are glittery in design; gold and silver thread on a background of black. A little scratchy in texture, but you soon get used to this slight discomfort when you see how absolutely STUNNING they make your final outfit look.

Next, we'll look at the trews. My particular trews are from H&M, from the Jeans and Trousers section of the establishment. They are 'Super-Skinny', so they hug your curves in all the wrong places, but really embrace this season's 'it-style'. I chose the black Super Skinnys, as they really are as versatile as you think! Team with some pumps for 'laid-back-cool', with heels for a stunning, glam evening look, or with boots when you want to get down with nature and tramp through the snow. Really girls - you need these wonderful trews.

For the upper half of the body, I am sporting several looks all combined into one fabulous fashion bonanza. Let's first look at my 'boyfriend shirt', recently purchased in H&M, in the sale section of the establishment. Blue in colour, loose in fit and made of breathable cotton fabric, this is one wardrobe essential you simply cannot live without! Team this with my pink-and-brown Seventies inspired acrylic jumper, and you have 'could be boyfriend, but could be walk of shame' chic down to a tee. Throw a replica tweed blazer over both of these items, and you have your 'I'm too cool for this office' look sorted. Both the acrylic jumper and replica jacket are warm in nature, and are ideal for the often changable spring weather. Both items can also be found in the sale section of the H&M establishment.

Now for the face and hair; your crowning glory. It is important to follow these stages carefully if you are to fully achieve the 'I couldn't give a toss' look, so favoured by myself. Wake up late. Do not shower. Wash your face. Brush your teeth. Scrape your hair back to hide the birdsnest. Put your glasses on to distract people from the spot on your forehead. And, TADAH! You have your perfect Spring outfit, teamed perfectly with matching hair and makeup.

I know you may find it a little intimidating trying to become as fashionable as I am, but don't worry fellow fashion lovers - you'll get there one day! Just keep saying 'stunning', 'I'm loving this...' and 'this looks great teamed with' and people will start believing that you too are a fashion guru. But more on how to speak next time...

Next Time... I will be dealing with those all-important lifestyle choices which will really make you look cool.

Watch out fashion bloggers; I'm stealing your glory.

James Bond.

A few weeks ago, myself and Samuel went to see James Bond, auf Deutsch.

We went to the little cinema in G-town, and sat clutching a litre of Coke and some M&Ms. I did not leave this lovely little establishment disappointed; quite the contrary, I left pining for London and all things British.

I had never been quite able to place my finger on the exact thing that seperated us Brits from our charming German friends, until Mr Bond cracked a joke and the only cackles heard in the cinema came from the two naughty expats sitting at the back.

It is not as if German people are not funny, or do not have a sense of humour, it is just that it is starkly different from our own brand of highly ironic, tongue in cheek, take-the-piss-out-of-everyone comedic pessimism. We actively enjoy being miserable, and everyone else being miserable too. We love a stereotype, adore the underdog and hate the know-it-all, successful, smug, wholesome type. We are still in the midsts of a God awful hangover brewed by our gin swigging Victorian ancestors, and so could not possibly let our stiff upper lip waver. Heaven forbid in times of imminant life threatening danger, that we should forget to utter a joke about the weather.

(To be continued when I´m not at school...)